Note:This is one of the hardest things I’ve written about. I’ve personally gone through it and know how it can tear apart a family. In my case it was because I decided to help.
“Joe, you look awful.”
“Wow, is that a good way to greet a friend?” Joe asked me. “But now that you mentioned it, I haven’t been sleeping well.”
Joe then proceeded to tell me about his family situation and the stress it was causing. His brother wasn’t able to pay the rent-again-and came Joe for a loan.
“I’m getting tired of always having to bail him out. I love him, but loaning him another grand won’t solve his problem. And I’m getting tired of everyone assuming that because I run my own business I have money to loan them.” After a bitter chuckle, Joe added “I don’t know why I call it a loan. They never pay me back.”
It wasn’t the first time
Joe and I have been friends for years-heck, he gave me my start in sales! I was familiar with this drama in his family and saw it repeat several times a year. If it wasn’t his brother it was his cousin or uncle. One time their car was in the shop. Another time they were a bit short until payday.
It was like his family thought that because he was an entrepreneur he was their personal bank machine.
The straw that broke the camel’s back
This time things were different. The economic downturn was hitting Joe’s industry hard. He was struggling to keep the doors open, and the last thing he needed was this. In fact, the reason Joe and I were meeting was that I was advising him on his company’s sales and marketing.
Bottom line: he had nothing more to give.
Loaning money to your family is a lose-lose situation
When it comes to family, money, and loans you can’t win. You are a bad mother/son/brother (fill in the appropriate relationship) if you say no. It will poison your relationship even if you say yes. No matter what you do it can tear a family apart.
For entrepreneurs it can be even worse. People assume that just because you own the company that you are rich and that they are entitled. You can easily become their personal bank…or their welfare system.
With this in mind I’ve developed the following guidelines to help deal with the situation. Some sound cold and heartless, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. This is a decision that can have serious consequences. The decision must be based on facts and on what is best for everyone involved. Remember, the best answer is sometimes the one that hurts the most. People often tell me that the best thing that happened to them was that someone told them no. It forced them to grow up and solve the problem themselves.
7 Guidelines when family asks for money
1. Your not the bad guy…
You know the drill. The guilt is being applied. “Just this once…” “Don’t you love me?” You can afford it.” “Blood is thicker than water.” To make it worse other family members are calling you and asking why you won’t help.
You have done nothing wrong. They put you in a bad position, one that you often can’t win.
2. Step back and take a deep breath
The only thing that makes this so hard is that you are dealing with family. With anyone else it would be much easier. When family members ask you for money they don’t use logic. They push your buttons. This sets the stage for a major family crisis.
Now is not the time to make a decision based on feelings. You need to step away and get some space. If they push tell them you need time to think about it. If they keep pushing start asking them questions. This will put the responsibility back on their shoulders. Remember this is their problem. They are coming to you for a favor.
3. Separate emotion from fact
Now I know I’m going to get an earful about this. “It’s your mother. You owe her.” “How can you be so heartless?” “Don’t you love your family?” “Why do you hate your sister?”
Let me put that to rest right now. Decisions based on guilt rarely work out. Don’t be afraid to use decision making tools (I personally love a weighted pro/con list). Feelings and relationships are a factor, but the decision needs to stand on it’s own without the emotions to prop it up.
4. Am I helping or enabling?
This is tough because of the guilt involved. One thing to keep in mind is that often you are only making things worse by handing out money. People need to take responsibility for their own problems. In extreme cases they need to hit bottom before they can start to get better. In these cases the only way to help them is to stand firm.
Now I’m not saying you should always say no. You just need to make a clear headed logical decision that is in everyone’s best interests.
5. What are they doing to solve the problem?
Just bailing someone out won’t solve the problem. Are their expenses exceeding their income? Then they need to take steps to fix the problem. Do they have a gambling problem? Then they need to get help for the underlying addiction.
They need to take responsibility and be willing to fix their own problem. Otherwise this will come up again and again. Each time it will be a little worse.
6. You have the right to say no
Just because it is family doesn’t mean you are obligated to give them money. I hear the argument all the time that you should “honor thy parents.” That doesn’t mean you are indebted to them for eternity. Yes you should respect and thank them for bringing you into this world. Just remember that this is a two way street. You deserve the same respect and appreciation as well.
Now most people have parents that gave them love and nurtured them. That is a different story. Then again, most people with loving parents aren’t put in this position.
You have to make the right decision for everyone involved. This needs to be based on facts, not some emotional tug at the heartstrings. If the right answer is no say no.
7. Always a gift never a loan
If you decide giving is the right decision make it a gift. You should never loan money to family. I don’t care if you get the terms in writing, you will never be able to enforce the contract. What are you going to do? Take them to court? I don’t care if they tell you they won’t take charity.
A loan will only poison the relationship. Each time you have to call to collect on the missed payment it will damage both of you. Even if you don’t have to make the call (unlikely) it will always get in the way of your family.
Note: a gift means no future expectations. You don’t have the right to ask for it back. They don’t owe you. You can’t use it for emotional leverage. It must be given freely.
Wow.
When I first read about making the money a gift instead of a loan my mind did not want to accept that. I was really going to argue with you until I thought about your post. I think most people read that if you are going to loan money to family members to make sure you have everything in writing. That does create hard feelings.
But to the money as a gift. What a great idea. If you live in abundance and believe in giving why wouldn’t you give money to your family.
You made my day a better day.
Great article. I agree, if you are going to give money, make sure that it’s a gift. The only thing I didn’t see addressed is what to do when your spouse and you can’t agree. In this case, I think you have to turn on your family and stick with your spouse – even at the expence of your extended family relationship. And you can’t blame your spouse, because that will only damage your marriage. You have to keep your discussion with your spouse private and make a decision together.
@Mark-I’m glad that my post was useful and made you think. I knew it would stir up some controversy which is often good. As long as the discussion stays civil it is a productive way to explore the concept.
I have to admit this was a hard topic to write about. I’ve been seeing it pop up on several blog I follow and there never seemed to be a good answer. Everyone had a strong opinion, but they all seemed to be based on emotion.
@Curt-You sure do love to stir things up!
That does makes the decision more interesting. I think the same concepts apply, and that making a logical decision will eliminate that problem. If you step away from the emotions and base the decision on facts it eliminates many of the problems.
But at the end of the day I would always side with my wife. The day I walked down the aisle she became the most important (and influential) person in my life.
I have personally seen this happening. Basically, the person who keeps asking for bailouts has never had to accept the natural consequences of their actions. In order for them to do so, NO must be an answer. I am not advocating never helping out a family member. I would love to do so if they were in genuine need and it was a one time thing. Also, everyone has boundaries and it IS within the person boundaries (the one that is being hit up for cash) to say no. I totally agree. When the someone keeps asking for money, then they are not respecting the boundaries of the other person.
I also agree that the emotion has to be taken out of it. I have seen the guilt trip work first hand and know that it destroys relationships. Plus if family members really love you, they will understand that you can’t keep giving them money. If the get mad, it’s just because they couldn’t manipulate you into giving money. They are mad that their handout didn’t come through. People who constantly seek handouts are completely selfish and don’t care about the strain they are putting on another person.
Personally, I pride myself on being financially independent. Upon entering college, I ceased asking my parents for money. Years down the road, I still haven’t and I won’t ever. If something bad happens, I will take out a loan (which I have done for unexpected things).
@Brian-This topic tends to generate strong opinions. People tend to filter their reactions through their experiences.
That’s why separating the emotion and the facts is so important. The relationship and the emotion become data points. They are part of the decision without taking over the process.
Gift-not-loan is much more realistic. I also think that giving to elderly parents (or even financially supporting them) can be the right thing, while giving to or supporting adult children is generally not (assuming they’re able-bodied).
@Alison-Thanks for your comment!
I agree that elderly parents are a different story, but this again is a decision that needs to be made using logic. I know of a lot of parents that were loving and supportive. In that case the children have a larger obligation. This is also an easy decision.
It is not the same in dysfunctional families. In some cases the parents regularly put their families in harms way. They did not contribute to the health and well being. They have not earned this privilege.
Bringing dysfunctional parents into your house also adds several things to be considered. What will be the impact on your family? Will you have to worry about your identity (family steals more identities than anyone else)?
Many of the points in my post still apply. You need to look at your specific situation. This is what drives your decision.
Hi B Smith (Brandt?),
The point that hits home for me is #5. That is what I would look at very carefully. If the family member is not doing anything to help him/herself, than you might as well burn the money.
It puts a whole different take on things, though, if they are doing their best and simply getting kicked in the shins by life and need a temporary helping hand. Then I’d help in a heart beat.
Excellent post.
Anita
@Anita-you figured out my super secret identity!
Their level of personal accountability is a good indication of whether your assistance will help or hurt them. If they have taken ownership of the problem and are taking steps to improve then your efforts are for the best. If they are looking to you to bail them out, nothing changes and you enable them. This helps no one, especially them.
It’s hard when you see the tears falling. This is where getting some breathing room helps.
Really good article. #1 is the hardest to deal with. I have extended family members who make you feel bad just because you have your finances in order. They look at you like you have money falling out of your pockets. Needless to say we avoid contact with those family members just because of how negatively they interact with my husband and I.
@Paula-Thanks for the great comment. It’s funny how people think we’re rich just because we’re self employed.
It also happens when there is a difference in your level of financial responsibility. I have friends and family who act like we are loaded because we can generally afford whatever we want. What they don’t see is how often we don’t spend money and that we are in this position because we have lived within our means for almost two decades.
@Missy-Wow. I thought I was the only one with family issues.
I’m glad my article made such a difference. This one took a lot to write. One thing I’ve found over the years is that there are a lot of people with dysfunctional families. I no longer feel quite so weird!
You mentioned your husband started his own business and that the economy is hurting. You may want to look at Recessionproof Your Sales for advice on surviving our economic slowdown. One interesting thing I’ve found in similar times is that you can actually make gains but you need to focus on the right things (usually the basics). Your time and resources are strained so you have to apply them intelligently.
My mother is not a senior citizen. As a matter of fact, she is only 15 years my senior. I wish I would have read this 10 minutes ago – before I wired my mother yet another $100.00. Maybe I would have had more of a backbone. I did send her a copy of all of the wire transactions for the past year. I guess I was being passive aggressive, which I know won’t help anything. I was just really annoyed. My husband and I are so far in debt! My husband left his job to start a business. We have invested all of our savings in it. It has been about 2 years since out business has been up and running and with the economy gong the way that it is, we are struggling like never before. My mother, who only has herself to worry about, acts like we’re her ATM. I think she thinks that we are some how living high of the hog. Her house (which she inherited) has no mortgage. She lost the one house that she did purchase – after I sent in over $1600 in back mortgage to bide for time. Instead of going ahead and selling the house, she let it go into foreclosure! She has no children living at home. She never incurred any debt from me for college. Even then I sent her some of my college loan money, and had to pay it back myself. She called me crying (probably crocodile tears) because she doesn’t have any money. She won’t hold on to a job. Somebody is always treating her “mean and nasty.” I have sent her money for numerous tests that she’s needed to take for employment purposes. Either she fails the test or quits the job. I feel like an idiot for sending her the money. We really can’t afford it. My husband hasn’t complained – yet, but I am afraid he may one day truly resent it. Anyway, thank you for the wisdom and insight. In the mean time, I suppose I’ll just chalk this “gift” up to the ash heap. Hello, my name is Missy and I am an enabler.
@Susan-You have a unique perspective. Your parents were sportive while your husband’s parents were corrosive. You basically see both sides of the equation!
At times like this I find it helpful to be logical. Put it in a pro/con list including the emotional aspects as data points. In this case there are strong emotional issues on both the pro and con side of the list. One other thing I find helpful is to weigh each factor as some items are minor irritants while others have a significant impact.
Another thing to consider is that you have to take care of yourself first. That doesn’t mean you need to be self-centered. It just means you need to make sure you and your husband don’t put yourself in a situation. It helps no one if a decade from now you are in financial straits because you keep bailing them out.
A final thought: do some soul searching with your husband. Look at the emotions driving these bad decisions. Why is he driven to keep the relationship corrosive? Why has he not switched roles? What will happen if you refuse to pay $4500? If you do that it may force them to make a responsible decision.
An article that may be applicable is Honor thy parents.
I had wonderful parents who provided me with terrific financial advice. They lived well below their ample means, taught me to do the same. I have been saving since I was in gradeschool and saving for retirement since I began my professional career at 22. My parents (sadly) have both passed away and I have inheirited their remaining wealth. My husband and I took care of them until their last breaths.
My husband’s parents never wanted him, never showed him any love and respect, favored their other children including financial support, and now are looking to us for support. This is because we have achieved certain goals and basically have a nice life living well within our means. In addition, they always made poor financial decisions and when my husband was young and needed $ 3000 to complete the purchase of his own business, they “were not interested.” Within the last six months my husband’s job was eliminated even though he has worked like a dog for his company and I have become disabled during a knee operation. I have begun training for a more suitable job(part-time) and he is looking for a new job. At 58 and 59, we will be financially fine, our homes are paid for, etc. because of our ability to save and control our spending, but I do not feel we have to bail them out. To be fair, they are now very elderly and have limited means, but when we advised them to seek a less expensive care center, they refused. When we offered them our beautiful fully paid for retirement condo in a neighboring city at a small rent to just cover their expenses($500) and when we advised them to put what money they had in safe investments(not the stock market or an annuity) they ignored our offers and advice. The entire relationship has been poisonous.
My husband has no love for them but now feels guilty because they are his parents and they did one thing: sent him to college($12000) while basically kicking him out of their home. I feel no love or respect for them at all. My husband and I have helped friends who have been in dire straits(one with a liver transplant, another with a terrible accident). We gave money freely as gifts. But giving his parents money would be like endlessly throwing it into a cesspool. The cost of their care is $4500 a month and that would soon eat through our emergency fund, retirement savings and eventually through the money I inheirited. His guilt is overiding his common sense and I think he wants to prove to them that he is worthy of their respect. How do I expalin this all to him without getting into arguments about the facts of the situation?
Sorry to go on an on, but this has been an ongoing issue for 32 years.
This is a topic that I’ve dealt with many, many times since I graduated from college and went to work.
I was raised in a poor family where my Mother worked and my disabled Father stayed at home with the four kids. To say there was a lot of stress and tension between my parents would be an understatement.
Once I became a professional, my parents always needed money and I would do what I could to help them. I learned early on to consider anything I gave a gift instead of a loan (learned it the hard way after taking my bill money to pay parents’ bills and then never getting the money back).
The gift giving continued for years… and it never failed that I would spend $50 to $100 per visit because they needed this or wanted that. I thought it was my duty as their child to give back… even when I knew it wasn’t in my best interest.
Two years ago, I got married to a wonderful man who has never had to deal with this issue. Together, we gave my parents more than $2,000 within an 18-month period to pay bills and get by (that doesn’t include money we gave to pay for my Father’s funeral easlier this year – almost $5,000).
Last year, I told my Mother there was no more we could do for her as we now have a child to support. We also never made it public knowledge between my other siblings just how much money we had already given because it wasn’t any of their business.
Once my Father died, my Mother’s financial situation became even worse… and my older sister asked my brother and I if we could give our Mother $200 each month to supplement her income.
I told my sister ‘no’ and offered up a place in our home for our Mother because there is no way we could commit to taking care of two households.
This has caused a lot of tension between my sister and I and we no longer speak… she has called my brother and I “greedy” because we won’t continue to give our Mother money.
It’s hard to stand by our decision, but I know it was the right one for us… we can’t let our financial ship sink to save someone (not even if it is your parent.)
B Smith – you are very insightful and lend a great deal to this forum. To all others: great working through these issues with specific facts one can look at and consider. I am currently having a discussion with my husband over the dysfunction in his family – daughter, brother, ex-wife – and this forum has not only helped me this evening but brought a sense of calm and well-being to my mind as I deal with an issue such as this which is fraught with emotion. Thank you all.
@Reyna – I’m glad we could help.
This is always one of the hardest things to deal with. Since you are dealing with family, emotions tend to get in the way. Take a step back, look at the facts, consider what is best for everyone, and make a thoughtful decision.
This is an interesting article.
I have a younger sister who marriage has broken approx 4 years ago since her split and her onging divorce she continually goes to my elderly pension mother for money. For everything. My mother has paid for two flat rental deposits, annual car tax cleared her bank overdraft all together probably lent her £10,000 up to now which she never has even attempted to pay back. It now looks like my mother is contemplating paying her legal cost for the financial settlement which is probably going to be less than what my mother has given her already . My mother has a house which she has put up for an equity release scheme here in the uk and that is where most of the money has come from. My sister doesnt seem to feel there is anything wrong in this as she feels she “needs her inheritance now”. Although each time mum gives her money its a loan there has never been any effort of repayments. It looks as if the way she is going that not only will she have her inheritance before mum passes but also anything that may have been for me or my other sister. Actually she says that she needs it more as she is on her own as her estranged husband nor her children will not speak or have anything to do with her. She uses guilt the whole time to get her own way and fleece my mum.
I thought of taking out some kind of guardianceship but I dont think she would be considered incapable in a court. I dont hate my sister I just think she is a grasping, greedy manipulative person who doesnt appear to have a conscience
it’s easy for you to say to make it a gift, what if they are asking for 100k b/c they wanted to buy a bigger house in San Jose. They don’t have enough for the down payment for the time being, but they promise to pay back in a couple of months (when they sell their current home). It’s making it even harder when it’s your spouse’s family asking for the money. I have no problem telling my sibling no, I can tell my own family if you can’t afford it, don’t. But what if my spouse can’t say the same to his family?! Is it worth tearing my marriage apart b/c his family wanted money?? I am not happy about it, but what can I do?? Our saving wipe out, I can’t sleep at night. Does people know how evil it is to ask family member for loans??
@Shez and @Jamester – Sorry if my response seems brutal. There is no easy way to say what need saying, and I won’t lie to you and say everything will be OK.
@Shez – Wow. Your mom needs to cut her off. Her # 1 priority is her own financial well being, and it sounds like your sister is cutting into that.
As for the inheritance, I hate to be brutal, but it is your mom’s money. It isn’t fair, but at the end of the day it is her choice. There is probably little you can do legally. My advice is to make your own way and build your own wealth. Don’t plan on any inheritance from anyone. If you get one it’s great, but if you don’t you are no further behind.
@Jamester – If they are asking for $110k I say no. I don’t care if they want a bigger house. They can wait, sell their own house first, and then buy the new house.
As for it being your spouses family, it makes no difference when it comes to your family’s money. It needs to be a joint decision between you and your husband. It isn’t his money, it isn’t yours, it belongs to the both of you.
If it causes issues then the problem isn’t financial, it is your relationship. I’m not saying that you have a bad one, but that you and your husband need to work this issue out.
As for making it a gift, loans always cause pain. Always. I’ve seen dozens of family “loans,” and all have caused significant issues. Don’t loan money, and if you do, don’t expect to see it repaid.
Thank you for this article. Its nice to know I’m not alone. Yet another sibling has asked me for money this year. And I know they have only started asking me (the youngest) because my parents have drawn the line at giving money regularly (they don’t have it anymore due to hard times). They are all grown adults (over 30), not married, and one has child support. Other than that, they only have themselves to worry about.
I’ve taken the stance of giving this sibling a “gift” (I know I’ll never see it back) because I did give to the others so its only fair, however I am writing to all of them an ‘ultimatum’. They have all been in ‘dire straights’ for as long as I can remember, so clearly to me they are never helping themselves. My parents have been enabling them far too long in my opinion. So I’m offering to help them get a job and budget their finances (giving them something more than money). If they don’t want to take the offer, then that is is, I owe them nothing more. It would be harder to say no if I was doing well, but finances for me are a bit rough right now too, and like you said, sometimes they just don’t get it.
Thank you for this article…now only if I could get my husband to read it. He loaned his mother almost $1000 to file bankruptcy without taking into account our own financial situation. Now that it’s nearing the end of the month, and my daughter’s birthday, we are left with less than $200. He can’t tell his mother ‘no’ and if it happens again, he can go live with her and pay her rent if he wants to help her out.
@C.H. – There isn’t an easy solution to this. Unless your husband understands that he is not helping, he will either fight or resent you.
This is an area that a lot of people have problems. It is a “blind spot.” They have to be open to new ideas, and look at what will do the most the help their loved ones. This is often counter-intuitive.
When friends asking for money, you should weigh each situation on its merits before answering. A few tips from me:
1. Ask yourself if your friend can be trusted. Find out what the money is going to be used for, and determine whether it will be used for something that you feel is worthwhile.
2. Determine whether you can afford to give a loan. Never loan money that you need for your family. Make sure that you have enough money in the bank to cover any financial burdens that you could possibly encounter.
3. Say no if you can’t give your friend the money. Always be polite and honest. Explain why you cannot make the loan.
4. Offer to find other help. Just because you can’t loan your friend money, doesn’t mean you can’t help him find the money somewhere else!
5. Get it in writing. Once you’ve discussed all the particulars with your friend, create a contract outlining the exact amount of the loan, interest rate and repayment schedule. Both you and your friend must sign the contract. Make two copies.
I follow these my self when someone ask me for money;)
@John – I agree with most points, but do think that you need to be careful loaning money. I rarely loan money to friends or family. It isn’t because I’m cheap (I’m not). It’s because I value the relationship too much to put it at risk.
Bottom line, you are most likely going to lose a friendship. All it takes is a few late payments or a default and your friendship is trashed. Even if they pay on time, the reminders and stress of being in debt to you puts a strain on your friendship.
My mother has been through this experience for countless times whenever her brother come and borrow money from her and it is really damaging her relationship with my father. I am also very frustrated by it because I do not want to see my parents money going down the drain because my mother’s brother, who is also my uncle, will use her money to go and pay for his gambling debts and he will never return the money. Please advise me on what I should do as his son?
This is not something new to me especially when my uncle always come and look for my mother to borrow money to pay for his gambling debts. I am very frustrated by the fact that my mum always lend them the money knowing that they are not able to return them. It is really damaging her relationship with my father. Please advise on what I should do to help her.
Hello,
This is a great article..I am 27 years old and constantly try to find information that will help me lead a financially stable lifestyle. I married a wonderful man two years ago and now we have a son. I love him so much and love his family as well, but they are completely dependant. I didn’t notice it as much before our marriage but looking back I was blind. His brother works but spends his money partying, his father has an injured back, but is capable of working and does not want to find a job that doesn’t allow him to work for himself (he’s been self employed for nearly his entire life and the economy has hurt his business) and his mother is completely co dependant. She is horrible with money and blows whatever she is given on frivolous things. She has and still does take whatever money that my FIL gets and spends without concern..then will call and ask my husband for money. We have talked about this and he states that he only gives his father money b/c he raised him and feels indebted to him. I just want him to understand that while I knew that they would need to be aided when they were elderly, I didn’t realize that I was coming into this marriage to help take care of two people who can work and help themselves! My husband is a very hard worker and makes good money, his family seems to be quite the opposite. Any advise would be greatly appreciated on how to handle this very sensitive situation! I am starting to resent his family for this and I don’t want to do that…thanks for a great article.
@Edmund – The hard part is that you may be in a position where you can do nothing. Your mother needs to be willing to listen with an open mind. If not, don’t say anything or you may kill your relationship with your mother and your uncle.
People have to be ready to help themselves.
I have a problem with my mother and her asking me money every other month.My parents are both retired and my Dad was given his retirement money which he could have easily invested but he decided to find another woman and they both squandered all that money now he is the house with no money to even buy him blood pressure drugs. My mother on the other hand is an enabler to my brother who drinks and does nothing and cant even go out to look for a job. My elder sister died of Aids and while both my parents were working the hospitals bills were no big deal to pay. My third sister has AIds and thanks to our contribution she is fine and well can go out and find a job but they are sitting in the house waiting every other month to ask for money. Am a stay at home mom with a 5year old and another on the way so that makes my husband the one who sends money everytime plus he has to support his two kids from his previous marriage and he has to pay rent , school fees for our 5yr old and all other expenses ., at first he didnt have a problem with sending money now i see that he resents even the mention of my mother coz he knows its all about money. Am at wits end help on how i should handle this situation
@cathy – You mentioned a key word, enabler. Essentially, everyone involved in this type of relationship is codependent. While I am not a shrink (and I’m not licensed to give psych advice), it sounds like there are a lot of codependent relationships in your family.
While you think you are helping, the problem with codependent relationships is that you are doing more harm than good. People need to hit bottom before they can get better, and since you bail them out, there is no bottom to hit. Also, the giver ends up taking the responsibility for the poor behavior, and the receiver never gets the blessing of learning the lesson life is trying to teach.
I’m not trying to say that you should never help out. I’m saying that you need to look up and say “what is best for everyone involved, including myself?” Often the right answer is hard and will lead to hurt feelings, especially if there is a history of bailouts.
Hey there Smith, need some advice here.
I am 28 and have an elder brother who is 4 years my senior. Fact is, I dont make as much as he does but he is always running out of money.
We had a house that our family lived in and it is now sold because my mother had passed and its just me and my brother left. Prior to selling the house, numerous payments needed to be made and more often than not I had to handle that on my own and when I ask him for money to share the burden he always had NONE. Everything from dealing with the real estate agent to lawyers were handled by me and he only came on when money was coming in. He promised to return the money that I have spent handling payments on the house and an extra payment for my time and hardwork in getting the best price for the house. When it was time for payment, he paid me my 5 thousand and an extra of 5thousand when we agreed on a 15 thousand payment. I was fine with that..didnt want to make things worse.
Anyways, we both had a fair amount of money after selling the house. Problem now is, he loaned about 350 thousand dollars to a girl who was then his girlfriend and she promised him a return of 400 thousand dollars. This was about a year ago and now he is dating someone else and is about to get married in about a months time. His ex is suppose to give him about 100 thousand soon as he is about to get married but there are some complications. He has asked me for 100 thousand. I am so stressed out about this, he has tried that guilt thing earlier saying that he would do the same if I was in his position and we are family but money is more important yadi yada all the normal guilt crap. He even mentioned calling off the wedding!!!
Fact is, I am not even sure if his ex will make payment on April! I have my own things to handle, I am also getting married this year, I recently bought a house and I am also in the middle of starting a new business. How do I make it clear to him that I know him getting married is important but I myself would need money to do what I need to do. I am pretty much stressed out and I need advice on what I can do! I feel a little helpless as most younger ones in the family do.
Your reply would be very much appreciated.
Thank you.
Spike (not real name)
Asking family members for money is toxic, period. My spouse and I both have adult siblings (with families of their own) who CHOOSE not to work. They choose not to work because they manipulate family and friends to give them money. I consider ourselves victims of these toxic siblings. I stopped enabling long ago and unfortunately my spouse occasionally funds the ungrateful brother, out of guilt. Our siblings put the guilt on and have no regard for our lives. They only call for money and our relationships are forever tarnished because of their selfish ways. Other family members have adopted a ‘no loan policy’. While some think it’s cruel, I think it’s genius and will spare emotional turmoil and uncomfortable situations in the long run. It’s one thing to help someone out of a jam and gift the cash as mentioned in other posts. It’s another thing to become a door mat.
@Spike – I would politely but firmly say “no.” Tell him that you love him, but you can’t continue to sacrifice your life and financial security to support him.
Fully expect to have a ton of guilt piled on you, call off the wedding, call you ugly names, etc…None of it matters.
Bailing him out again helps no one. He needs to hit bottom and learn the lesson life is teaching him, and he can’t do that if you solve the problem for him.
@JJNich – It sounds mean, but bailing people out never helps. It is one thing to help out someone who is trying to pull themselves out of the gutter, but that means you help and teach, you don’t do it for them.
Hello!
This is such a helpful post! I was wondering what to do if you agreed to give money but now you can…my fiance and I had been staying with my mother and taking care of all of the bills while she was unemployed. I am pregnant and had anticipated my fiance and I moving out in august before the baby gets here. Due to the increasing financial burden of paying all of the bills in a house that wasn’t ours, we made the decision that it was best to get our own apartment. My mother was invited to come along free of any financial obligations until she could find a job. She didn’t want to do this as she wasn’t comfortable moving twice within one year. She did, however, give us her blessing to get our own place. My fiance and I agreed to help her out with $200 a month and we would pay off her gas bill. She agreed, but 2 days before were to move into our own place, she said our help wouldn’t be enough and that we were basically leaving her with no way to make ends meet. I explained that by her giving us her blessing and skipping on the offer, she had no right to throw our moving out in her face as though it were a decision made yesterday. She has since received $260 but when I explained that. I we had $200 to give her she said that wasn’t good enough, hence the $260.
My question is how do I set boundaries with my mother while preparing for a new baby with my fiance, and still keep my end of the agreement with my mother? My fiance is beyond annoyed with this situation and I can’t blame him. We’ve had to tell his mother no several times when she’s asked for money.
I’m sooo confused!! Please help me…
@noelant -You need to take care of yourself and your immediate family first. You are doing no one a favor (you mom, fiance, unborn child, or yourself) if you do anything else.
This may sound heartless, but your mother is an adult and needs to take care of herself. If she is of working age, it is her responsibility to provide for herself. It may seem like you are helping by paying $200 a month, but it is keeping her from hitting bottom. Cut the ties, let her learn this life lesson, and then she can go on with her life.
Be aware that it will get ugly, but don’t give in to the emotional extortion. She will cry. She will call you a monster. She will tell all her friends that you hate her and have abandoned her.
These situations all sound familiar. I am paying off debts accrued through being unemployed last winter. I have no pension, or savings bar a couple of thousand pounds from a loan on my house which also has a mortgage.
I have a temporary job with only two more paychecks before hitting unemployment again. Part of the problem is I used to work overseas and had to return for health reasons. I have an ongoing debilitating auto-imune condition which makes full-time teaching work very difficult and demanding.
Basically I have lived like a pauper for the past 4 years oscillating between being unemployed or paying off the debts with temp jobs.
In the midst of this, my sister relentlessly asks for money for her daughter. She has 3 horses and has blown her way through a small fortune, has lost her house after remortaging it three times. My mother lent her the deposit of £10K. She has zero credit rating as a result of non-payment of massive credit card debts.
My brother has power of attorney over my mother’s finances. Although my mother wants to contribute to her only granddaughter, he will not release a penny of the money.
I have paid out around £2K in the past year which is exactly 50% of any money left over after living expenses. In other words, I have foregone any extras like , going out, and buy all my clothes from charity shops, and ticketed food from the supermarket.
The latest SOS was holiday money for my niece including paying her friend’s Mum food money and the rail fare. It all came to £300. It was either that or my niece not having a holiday.
On top of it all, she barely says thank you and has been bad-mouthing me for years. Because a child is involved I find it difficult to say no.
These requests are highly charged, frantic phone calls or texts. I have written to her and told her that I cannot afford to pay out anymore.
I have an acrimonious relationship with my brother who tried to take out an injunction on me to prevent me from visiting the family home. He is my mother’s carer (she has altzheimers) and plots with my sister against my coming to the house, looking after my Mum etc.
I feel marginally well enough to go overseas again and have decided to cut free from them all which is sad but seems the only way to protect myself.
@Mandy – Many people end up cutting ties with their family. It’s the only way for them to protect themselves, and to eliminate the negative influence on their lives. As for providing money to your family, you don’t have enough for yourself, why should you be expected to provide for the rest of them.
Very timely. The person who’s asking is a coworker of my husband’s. He has many advantages you wouldn’t believe that were handed down from the family (like a free house), but he’s perpetually in need (he’s 60, so this is terminal). To me, this is a no-brainer. Say, Sorry I can’t help you. But my husband’s feels bad for not helping. I say, think of the donations you can increase to the charities we support, if you don’t mis-allocate the money to this person. He’s still bent on helping him.
I know manipulators and users really well. Have you ever noticed that they are in a state of perpetual crisis? Some of this is part drama, and some of this is real. Their health is bad, their car is broken down, their overdue bill is due, and on and on. At first telling, the story makes them sound like they have the worst luck imaginable. But they live in a state of crisis because they always neglect everything — their health, their bills, their car maintenance. I was poor during my childhood because I had no choice. And when I became an adult, I saw that in this country poverty was a choice. I did not want to have children out of wedlock, wanted to save for a rainy day, wanted to go to school, wanted to hold onto a job and excel so I’d be marketable … in a nutshell, I didn’t want to live life behind the eightball. Better than that, I wanted to prosper — intellectually.
But none of the hard work and planning will insulate you from the poor choices of family members and friends. Or even the ripple effect of Americans who get in debt and foreclose. Sorry, I’m really down about this guy asking my husband for money, because I see it as a microcosm of what’s happening on a larger scale in this country. The lack of personal accountability. And I feel callous and cold for not jumping in and just showering everyone “in need” with money. I’m made out to be the bad guy. I’ve been duped before, and I’m fed up with the hard luck stories.
I should clarify: When I said “he’s 60, so it’s terminal,” I mean that the guy isn’t going to stop mooching any time soon. He’s done it his whole life. He’s asking for money, yet he’s taking trips to Europe and not paying his wife’s health insurance!!!! Nonsense like that.
Mandy, I’d like to recommend an outstanding book called Leaving Home: The Art of Separating From Your Difficult Family. My sister cut ties to my mother and I wanted to better understand her position. It helped me see it so clearly that now I fully support her decision, though I never ridiculed her or tried to make her feel bad about it. In fact, my mother is so ugly to my brother, and he’s just endured the abuse, never returning verbal firepower, that I will give him the book to read when he visits. (I’ve created a different relationship with my mom, and I have to be vigilant about boundaries — it’s exhausting.)
The book might give you the courage, and to a degree the permission, to distance yourself from some destructive personalities in your family. I wish you well with your health and finances and with enriching relationships.
Mandy, I\’d like to recommend an outstanding book called Leaving Home: The Art of Separating From Your Difficult Family. My sister cut ties to my mother and I wanted to better understand her position. It helped me see it so clearly that now I fully support her decision, though I never ridiculed her or tried to make her feel bad about it. In fact, my mother is so ugly to my brother, and he\’s just endured the abuse, never returning verbal firepower, that I will give him the book to read when he visits. (I\’ve created a different relationship with my mom, and I have to be vigilant about boundaries — it\’s exhausting.)
The book might give you the courage, and to a degree the permission, to distance yourself from some destructive personalities in your family. I wish you well with your health and finances and with enriching relationships.
I love this post it really forced me to rethink things. I’m in the military and I’ve been on my own since I turned 18 and now I’m 22 and my family is really holding me back. Throughout those years I haven’t once asked my family for money because I’m very independent, but the same cannot be said of my family. I’ve given out handouts left and right to the same individuals (mom, dad, sisters, brother, uncle) and I’ve gotten annoyed with it because it’s stressing me out and, me being the youngest, should not be. I just returned from a tour in Afghanistan and not even three days of being back I’m already asked for money. I can’t seem to relax considering I think everyone views me as an ATM. I should not have to second guess whether or not I should answer my phone when family calls. Just about every conversation with them ends with “Oh I was wondering if you could send me some money…it’s just $blah $blah $blah!” I’m starting to believe they’re all selfish and it certainly is not my job to take care of everyone, but I always feel guilty. I’m at a good point in life, I own a 2011 sports vehicle, I’m staying on my own in a nice house, I have a degree in business, and I have a nice savings account. I don’t want my family to ruin all that I have, so I’m one phone call away from getting my number changed and disassociating myself with them!
This was an interesting post. My parents were poison. I left home when I was 16, got a job, went to college, got a graduate degree (with out a cent)and earn a sucessful living. My parents and siblings have been \"borrowing\" money in the thousands for twenty years. To make a long story short, I had a recent catastrophic financial event (wont go into to) and needed help. A grand to be exact. NOT ONE of my family members would help. Two of them have lived with me for two years each rent free on separate ocassions. So now I know to only ever depend on myself -all all of those times \"rent\" \"medicine\" \"car notes\" \"insurance\" \"groceries\" count for NOTHING. Thank goodness I have a couple of good friends.
Thank you so much for this post! My mum & brother squandered mum\’s rather large inheritance from my dad passing, are now both enormously in debt & my mum is coming to me to pay her mortgage which is double the cost of my own mortgage. After 6 months of saying she needs a job she hasnt got one or even looked properly & has not put her house or my brothers on the market to sell. A \"gift\" she gave me for my birthday is now going on paying her mortgage for the next few months but after reading your post I realise I\’m becoming an enabler which I\’ve always despised my parents for being with my brother!
Thanks to your post I now know it\’s ok to say no because she is not doing anything to help herself. Now I just have to try to be strong while watching the fallout.
My husband and I turned his sisters down by refusing to help them financially. When they had a lot of money, they spent thme like crazy. They bought eveything they wanted. Even when they had not much, they still buy things they do not have to have such as a swimming pool, their kids go to private schools or dancing class. Why should we have to pay their bills? I did lend them money before, they never gave us the money back which is good since I learned my lesson. They still have the nerves to asking money again or even asked us to cosign a 45,000 dollars loan. LOL. I think they have lost their mind. Yes, we have been working very hard and never buy anything which is luxury for so many years, sure we have 500k cash in the bank, so what? My husband is 60 years old,I am 45, ew have 4 boys from 13 to 6. We have a long way to go and we haven\’t bought a house yet. We will use the money we saved to buy a relatively ok home soon. Smply because we have money, it doesn\’t mean we need to lend my sister in laws money. They need to learn their lessons.
I hate to say that I have to see them on the holidays because my mother in law lives with 1 of his sisters. I did it only because I want to make my husbnad and my mother in law happy, my mother in law has lung cancer and is in stage 3. I buy her anything she wants since I believe she is my husband\’s mother, but his sisters are another story—I am not responsible for them. They try to make me feel guilty by not talking to me on Thanksgiving at their house. Ask if I care. Once my mother in law is gone, we will NOT see them again. That is me.
This article and subsequent posts have really helped me! My mother has been ‘borrowing’ money from me since I was 12 years old…more than 35 years now! (That’s alot of money).
Thank you for this post and your link to the article regarding honoring your parents. I’ve finally made the decision to STOP! I have truly had enough and, while I’m sure my mother will try to make me suffer, I know that I have the strength to stand my ground! I’m not going to feel guilty about working hard and having nice things…I’ve earned it and it’s not my responsibility to take care of a mother who abused me and made my life hell.
I am a 20 year old hairstylist, who’s parents have fallen on hard times. in the past 2 years i have given them close to 4k. they had stopped asking me for the past 4 months, so i had hoped things were getting better for them. this month my mom asked me for 400 cuz they were behind on the rent, by 3 months. i told them when they rented the house it was out of their budget, but they just brushed me off.
its so hard to say no, and i already never expected to see any of it back. but now i need to start taking care of me. i need a car, and my wisdom teeth removed.
i still feel like i want to help them out, if anything for my little brothers sake, but i need to set ground rules. thank you for your article and everyones posts.
My feeling is that if you loan relatives, or anyone for that matter, money, never expect to get it back. You will never feel the pressure or disappointment in someone if this is your attitude. I have been pleasantly surprised by some people who have paid me back, but I never expect it.
All three of the children in my husband’s family are currently “lending” their mother about $350 a month. And with that she is just meeting her bills. In addition, she is still giving money to her church to which I personally object. She is 96 and has given and given. Now we are in effect giving this money. She was a very poor mother to my husband pursuing a career and not caring for him properly, blaming him for being a bad child when in fact he was very ill and constantly being hospitalized. As a nurse, she made a decision to smoke throughout her pregnancy giving him a heart defect that nearly killed him as a child and later as an
adult. Even at this stage of her life she is manipulative and expresses no love for him. If it were up to me she would get nothing. At age 62 he remains working in order to help support someone who was mentally abusive to him. She lives in style while he works in the evening in declining health. He knows that he stands no chance of getting her to pay him back and she has given all her valuable things to a preferred daughter instead of selling then for her own upkeep. She has dropped her small burial policy because she says her church will take care of things. Fat chance. I’m quite sure we will be paying that as well. I love my husband and worry about him. And I have absolutely no guilt about my feelings toward his mother.
Hi
I am now in a strange situation . One of my elder brother is in a bad financial situation . He has low salary and is struggling to meet his expenses . He is a clean man with no bad habits . Married and has a girl child of 7 yrs old. he is always worried about his life and situation .
Now I am better off financially and really wanted to support him . I am confused now whether helping him straight is right or not . Reason for my confusion is my brothers attitude in his life. Though he has a low paid job , he is reluctant to trying better job , reluctant of trying other ways of making money share trading , agriculture etc . I want him to get this attitude to fight it out , but he is very much afraid and dont want to take risk .
Can some one advice me .
@nelson – I’m going to be blunt and just come out and say it. You are not doing your brother a favor by helping him out. He will never take the next step and improve his life as long as he can lean on you. Be there and support him emotionally. Feel free to provide a great example.
But let him live his own life – good or bad!
Hi,
I really need help, as I don’t know what to do… I actually know, but, I wasn’t successful enough in applying my own decision.
I’m 30-something and have good yearly income. I’m single. I’m coming from a low income family with many children. My father was an alcoholic for many years, and he almost never had a proper job, almost never supported the family. So, since graduating from university (was a very bright student, only in the family…) I’m almost only supporting my family. I sometimes try to save money, but, there’s always one or the other thing, they need money. My older sibling tried to set up his own company, which failed badly and I had to pay so much dept for him. Also, I supported him for his marriage, paid most of the debt. That’s only one thing… I supported my younger siblings during their studies, which is still going on. (children with big age gaps)
I don’t know how to stop. I’m single, and have no boyfriend, no marriage in foreseeable future. Thing is, if I marry, I would be able to stop giving them money, as I’m single, they feel, I should support them forever. I’m normally a yes-person, have huge difficulty saying no to anyone…
I don’t know how to stop this all, as I’m losing hope in myself. Also, although working since more than 10 years, I could save little money due to all this family things. My family often depresses me. Also, one of my siblings has been getting the retirement salary of my mom since she retired. My mom cannot even request the card back, as that sibling is the favorite of her. She doesn’t as I’m the bank. I love them a lot, but, I also hate them so much, for putting me through this. Yes, I’m the one earning the best money, as I was the brightest child, but, am I guilty for being smart, for working hard??? My family is using me badly…
I’m sorry it’s long.
My mother has plenty of money.. she just doesn’t let me know she has it. she makes out that she has no money until wednesday.. but i do not believe her one bit. I am 19 and she has asked me to lend her money on MY birthday.. i work hard for my money and i am a student.. money i have recently recieved will not last long and she has asked me for £100 for a bill she did not pay 1 yr ago.
i said no but she just calls me names and starts on me. I try to save also but she just sees that i have money and asks for it. Its not fair because she has the money but does not want to spend it because she wants to go away on holiday.
Im pretty much sick of it. I work hard and would like to save my money. not throw it away
I have a son he has a wife and 2yr old baby. I have my own business and do very well. I have bought them a car paid their rent and bills several times. So I decided to show the how run the same business. Well now they arent as successful as I am. They are still behind on their bills etc. All in the while asking me for more money. I offered them training to be better at their sales and they denied me. Now Im a bad person because I said no to more money. I dont know whats going to happen but i given a lot.
Excellent Article. Today I had an arguement with my mom because my salary check had not cleared and she wanted the monthly expense no matter what. I told her that if i were a girl, i would have considered selling myself up if that could fulfill your desires.
But somehow after being helpless for the check not getting cleared and then listening to all that i could hear, and then replying the way i replied, i have realized that in the end, i was the one that felt guilty and your article helped me realize that i am not bad guy. thanks
@Soleil – The answer is simple. Just stop. Really, stop it right now. No matter how hard they scream. No matter how much it hurts.
You are not helping them. In fact, you are really hurting them by giving so much. Life teaches us lessons, and if someone gets bailed out they don’t learn the lesson. That opportunity to grow and improve was stolen from them, in this case by you!
@Hannah – Is your mother’s behavior consistent with that of someone who loves you? Just because she is family doesn’t give her the right to mistreat you. It may be hard, but if the behavior continues stop talking to her.
@Lisa – The answer is simple….cut him off. He will never learn until you do. And, to be blunt, you are being irresponsible and causing him harm by bailing him out all the time. Life teaches us if we are allowed to solve our own problems. Without these lessons we can’t grow. So unless your goal is to keep your son dependent on you, just say no.
@Zeeshan – good for you! I’m glad I could be of service.
Your right because I’m only 12 and my mom ask for money and I have not gotten it back. And when you said it only gets worse your right because on Day 1 she asked for $5 so I let that slide even though she didn’t pay me back. On day 2 she asks for $20. I’m like how do you leap from $5 to $20. I think since she is my parent and I’m still a child that she needs to be more responsible. If I confront her about she’s gonna say something like “Well you need to be more responsible too”. I know that and I’m trying to improve but she doesn’t even care.
am so sickened by my sister.i found my sister a job and she was fired because of some fraud and ineffectiveness in the job.i found her another which was low paying but she left since because it was hard to cope.her and the husband asked me to but some capital in the business they wanted to start.i took a loan from sacco of $1000 and put in there.when the business kicked off they pocketed all the money and they didnt care i was paying a loan with interest.i decided they should pay my interest back to me in four installments and its 4 months since the agreement and they have never paid a cent.am so bitter with them and i dont know what i can do because am still paying back alone.please assist me because am tempted to take it to the court at all cost.
I’m having a similar problem. My brother. He’s 19, unemployed with a son. He also is a habitual marijuana user. Now I’m on a fixed income, so he knows when to ask me for money and I’m sick of it. I’ve seen him flip out when my older sister refuses him money. Calls her every name in the book. He almost never pays me back when I give him the money. I don’t know what to do. I want to move and not tell anyone where I live.
@sarah – To be blunt…you should just let it go. Forgive them, not to let them off the hook, but to free yourself from the caustic emotions.
Then never loan them any money again, learning from your pain and becoming a better person.
@SR – Don’t loan him money. I repeat don’t loan him money.
Let him hit rock bottom. If he loves you he won’t push the issue. If he yells and screams, call the cops, then know he really doesn’t love anyone but himself.
Narcissistic Father? Toxic parents or rightful guilt?
I was a passenger in a very bad car accident when I was younger and after 6 years had a compensation payment. The day the money hit my account my dad called wanting me to ‘loan’ him £30,000 / $60,000. I however wanted to fund my Phd. I attend an Ivy league and it is unbelievably expensive. I got a house in order to remove my biggest out-going which is rent and take in lodgers to cover my living expenses. I told him I couldn’t afford it and after a few abusive phone calls and my aunt screaming and swearing at me in public at my graduation I hoped the worst was over.
I was wrong. A month later he phoned up with the same demand. Informing me I was either lying or a silly ***** for refusing. He has now not spoken to me for a few months. To the extent that my mother had to call me in secret on my birthday.
I don’t know how such a large amount could be a loan, how would he ever pay it back? He called me disgusting for wanting a legitimate business contract. Really what would be the point any way, I wouldn’t be able to sue him. I do understand that wanting a contract was bad on my part and disrespectful. I have lent him money before and he has paid it back, after some very awkward conversations and a couple of months of subtle reminders but it has only ever been to the tune of £1000 / $1000 of my student loan here or there. I just couldn’t take the leap of faith with £30000/$60000 and suspend my life until it was paid back.
For a bit of back a story, we have never been a happy close family. I was more of a burden than a child. My dad was very domineering and the head of the household to tyrant proportions. I don’t have a real relationship with my mum as he would go into a rage if we spent time alone together. The man is and always has been a bully. He presents another face to the outside world, good fun and always giving. At home we are ruled by his temper and moods. He is violent but it is not too frequent. His need for ultimate control is seen as quirky. I am viewed as crazy, the odd one, over-sensitive. After all it was all ‘tough-love’, ‘deserved’, or ‘just a joke’. He hates when I graduate, first graduation him and my mother left immediately to visit Westminster Abbey leaving me alone at graduation (this was before the storm of £30,000), Masters he informed me that neither he nor anyone else wanted to come. The one thing he does like to do is take my degree certificates, my BA is currently located under his sofa ‘to look after it’ if he hasn’t already binned it. Sorry for that tangent, I am still rather hurt if I am being honest.
He requires the money because he has been unemployed for 18 months after quitting his job and moving himself and my mother to the area with the highest unemployment in the country. The work he has been able to get has been ‘below him’. I get that he wants to be happy in his job and I want him to be. This is usual, this scenario has been repeated many times over the past four years. Quits his job, can’t get work for a year, gets a job, works for a year, quits his job, can’t get work for a year. It goes on and on.
Why are they entitled to my compensation? The arguments I have heard over and over are: ‘They raised me’, ‘they would do it for me’, ‘think of all those birthday presents’, ‘I am only where I am because of them’. To counter, they did not raise me, teachers and friends raised me, they were too busy/ wanted to relax. No they would not do it for me as firstly I wouldn’t ask. No I am where I am because I worked very hard to get the grades, I didn’t party or go out but worked. I payed for all my fees and put my-self through university. To be fair, yes they did send me on school trips and often take me with them on holidays, yes I got lots of birthday and Christmas presents when I was younger.
I am so very confused as whether I am indeed crazy and evil.
All views are much appreciated, I can never trust my own opinion and this is a huge decision. Please help me. I feel so guilty.
This guilt, it comes in waves and can blacken the best moods. Is this normal? I would have previously said that you only feel guilt when you do something wrong, was that just emotional immaturity?
Everyone here appears so much wiser than I.
Well written and thank you for the insight. This is an ongoing drama in our life. We have grown adult children that live out of state and for the last 20 years we have had nothing but financial drama with them. Every month another crisis surfaces, can’t pay the rent, the car loan is past due, no groceries… fill in the blank. They assume because we have a home, assets and live comfortably in another state that we are “rich” and therefore should always be sending money to them. We are not rich, we live within our means and we stay away from debt. It is hard to explain that to someone who can only look in and see what they want to see, not reality. The last few years we stopped feeling guilty and started to say no. It has been painful and has caused a lot of hurt feelings. My hope is that the “no” will get them to figure out things on their own for once and for all. I also hope that once that happens they will move past feeling entitled and angry that we are not the perpetual bank account.
I am glad i came across this article i am very frustrated i don’t talk to my dads family and recently i stop talking to my moms family due to financial issues i am 24 and i am sacrificing my self just because i want to save up money to get other things that are very important to me so i cut off the cell phone and mall shopping now is strictly important things if i need i will buy, so my car is in another state i gave it to my 21 year old brother who recently moved to the state i live in where we have a large family all with small financial problems but stable now my moms side wants me to provide for him i have spend over 1k on my brother this month but my family wants more money they are taking away all my savings and they still think i am selfish that i care more about money they want me to pay his cell phone bill or pay his rent (i dont even got a phone of my own, and i am still trying to save for a car in this state i live in and other important things and bills i gotta take care of ) they think i have so much money and just because i have a good job and i make ok money they throw it on my face that i should provide for him but see i feel that is not my responsibility and that i did enough to help him, he isn’t trying hard enough to get a job i know he has a bad record so is hard for him to get a job but his lack of confidence is what ticks me off this situation makes me feel so sad because they make me feel like i must help him ignoring the fact i don’t have money and not understanding my situation.
After reading all this I can stand up and say no. I grew up in a single parent home, mom had me at sixteen and dad left mom when I was 1 year old. While growing up with mom I miss out on school quite a lot because of poverty and working two jobs. Mom was not working at the moment. There would be times mom will head out with bf for weeks an I would be the only one home. I was 15 at the moment. Mom would returned with her abusive bf back home where they would argue and fight. I would spent the night out every time he comes over .Well I paid most of the house bills then moved out at the age of 16 when she had my little sister. She would insist that I stayed home so she could go partying with her bf. After moving out I would still give her money to help with my sister because I want her to have a normal life. Am 25 years old and am trying to get a degree in health, I have dropped out of training twice because of financial issues base on taking care of my sister and mother. My mom is in her early forties, not disable and eligible to work. Every time she wants money, she uses my sister as an excuse. I want to stop giving her money, because am the one who’s been left behind.
I have always worked and have paid my way thru my life. Why do I have to be disrespected by my family for making my own successes. I do have integrity and leave within my means and don’t spend money foolishly or overspend by purchasing things I cannot afford. I am so over the fact that the ones who need money are the same ones who don’t want to work, smoke marijuana and cigerettes, drink alcohol, party, own a dog, have children, are not married, collect food stamps and sell food stamps for cash to buy their addictions, take all the freebies they can get, will stand in line at 6am to get free medical but cannot get up to
go to work, blame everyone for their misfortunes, never call
or visit except if they need a handout, think they are
entitled and hate the people who will not enable them to
ride this ride. GET A JOB ! I am tired of guilt trips being placed on me when I am the good guy. Family is overrated.
Hi, Thank you for the wonderful post, Smith.
Actually i have also experienced similar thing. The toxic person is my aunty(my father’s sister). Ever since i was small, i called her “mother” and so make her my godmother. When i was small,I felt she was very kind and good even though she was gambling addict. I continue to call her “mother”(we stay different city) while l stay with my parents. When i was 17, she stayed in Singapore with her daughter. Since Singapore is a very good country for education, eventually i pursue my degree education there and stayed with her. I stayed at her house free for 6 months, but i need to serve her friends and her to buy cigarretes, drinks, cook rice, do all households as they always gamble at home (i do not mind) . Slowly, when i start part time work, most expenses like foods, households items need to be shared between me and her daughter. Eventually, i become “officially” her daughter and her walking ATM.Also if i said “no”, she always said repeatedly that i never reply her kindness, if she was not in Singapore, i could not be like who i am now (I have completed my degree and get proper full time job). But the fact that every month i still give her allowance, sometimes when she ask for extra few bucks, i always give her. Now she went back home country (we were different country, my best time in my life). But nw every single thing i do or i never inform her, she will be angry, send long2 text messages to hurt me and make me feel guilty.She always plead that she has not enough $ to eat, need to go doctor because she s sick etc.Even now she is angry with me again and it ruined my mood at work. I know it s my fault because i let her to have impact on my life. My friends all said im stupid, i should cut her off, but it s just that after several years i called her “mom”, i cant change it:(..somemore our family members are all very closed (typical Asian family- something happens in 1 member, within 1 hours everyone already know). I know it s all sound like an excuse but i really do not know what to do. Now she is angry with me again regarding of not inviting her in my graduation. It s not that i do not want to invite her, I will, but i haven’t gotten the confirmation letter. But apparently she is already angry of thinking that i never appreciate her etc. It really gets into my nerve. However compared to last time (I cried several times after seeing her texts.), this time i still feel a bit guilt but i do not really feel sad anymore. Just feel annoyed. So am i in the right track? What should i do? Should i change not to call her mom?But for 20 years???
Im sorry if my writing is very long. I appreciate your thought and suggestion 🙂 Thank you
I am in a tough spot. I am on a fixed income. So is my mother. But every month she calls to “help” me with my bills though I am going to be 4o this month. She does it so she can ask me for money. I don’t know what to do. I love my mom but this can’t go on. She has a boyfriend who she says she can ask for money but she still keeps coming up with reasons why she needs me to send her money. Like this month she said “Well he’s paying for my car this month and I don’t feel I can ask him for any more money so can you send me some”. I don’t mind doing this once in a while but it’s becoming an every month thing. My siblings can’t help her as they have kids and my brother in law just lost his job. And my mom knows this. When my brother stopped giving her money she said “He hates me”. Which my brother said is not true. He is just tired of giving her money when he needs it for his kids. I have no kids, no car and such and she knows this. Help!
@Casey – This may sound harsh but your father is a bum. No one that loves you would treat you so poorly. The only thing you can do is to cut ties. Yes, it will make it hard to have relationships with the rest of your family, but he will never get better and never treat you with the respect you deserve.
@livesimplecolorado – saying “no” may not make them treat you with respect, but once they figure out that you are not their atm they will get the picture and stop asking. It’s just that the first few times will be painful until they have been trained.
@lolita – you are not responsible for them. You are only responsible for yourself. Just keep saying “no.” Maybe say something like “look, I’m so poor I can’t afford my own cel phone.” After a while (and probably a few arguments) they will get the picture and stop abusing you by treating you like their atm or built in welfare system.
@Merl – Just say no! I know it sounds harsh to people who come from loving families, but sometimes your parents (or brothers, sisters, etc…) don’t love you and are bums. I know this from personal experience and have had to tell close family members “if you call back I will call the cops.” It is amazing how much easier life is when you don’t have the added stress of supporting and dealing with caustic family members.
@Stacy – It sounds like you are on the right track and have figured out that you don’t need them in your life just because they are family.
@natasha – I know that some cultures place a higher value on family, but it doesn’t change the facts. If she is caustic, dump them. If other family members pressure you, tell them “I love you and respect you, but this is between the two of us. I don’t know what she is telling you, but from your reaction it is obvious that it is harsh and one sided. And I love you too much to burden you with my side of things.”
@Nancy – Just say no. Seriously, say you don’t have enough to pay your own bills and there is nothing left.
@everyone – Wow, the response to this article has been overwhelming. And my responses pretty much can be summed up with:
-Your first responsibility is to yourself, your spouse, and your non-adult children. Everyone else is secondary.
-It may hurt but if they loved you they wouldn’t treat you so poorly.
-Their lack of love is not a reflection on you, it is an indication of what teriable people they are!
-Say no. Keep saying no. If they keep pushing, tell them to go away. Never say yes.
-If they loved you they would be supportive. Since they are the opposite of supportive it means they don’t love you. And why would you spend your time, money, or attention on people who don’t love you?
-You shouldn’t ever give people money. Seriously, why would you hate them enough to do this? Life is trying to teach them a lesson. If you bail them out they will never learn, and life will increase the pain factor the next time to make them learn.
just received two separate requests to GIVE ME MONEY, ONE FROM AN IN-LAW WHO GOT A NEW JOB AND QUIT THE FIRST DAY. THE OTHER FROM A SIBLING WHO SPENT TOO MUCH ON A CRUISE TO JAMAICA IN OCTOBER. Cruise? I haven’t had vacation outside of my neighborhood in 3 years! Quitting a job on the first day?
I quit/ retired March 1 after 44yrs., but am supposed to become an ATM now that I can afford to not work. I have been saving money for retirement, contributed to my 401k faithfully, spent wisely, pd. off my mortgage early, student loans also, have no debts and am saving some money each month since March. I am not at full retirement age, so NO SOCIAL SECURITY for another 5 years (66), so most everyone assumes I have lots of money to give. Been down this road before and the MOST IMPORTANT PERSON who needs and is ENTITLED to the fruits of my labor is ME. I am getting older, will become less healthy/mobile and will need care at some point. One can’t expect the above mentioned people to help.
These individuals are both angry with my NO reply and then wanted to debate financial circumstances. I have never MY assets with any family member, live simply [no cellphones, tv, car,trendy clothes or cruises [yet]. ;]
My relatives NEVER phone [son included], so I knew money was REQUIRED when I got the calls. Guilt, emotions and manipulation just leave me uninterested , I feel as if I’ve heard everything. One relative bother to call, she an email on a Wednesday asking for $4800 by Friday or she’d be evicted. I went on my out of my last neighborhood vacation for a 10 day retreat in San Diego, I sent NO MONEY.
I am now being wisely selfish. I didn’t work all those years or struggle at times to become someones ATM.
The easy answer is NO. I have a brother-in-law who has never seen a bottle he doesn’t want to empty. The family collectively offered him an intervention which he seemed to think he had some ‘right’ to refuse. Rather than that, he has had two alcohol-related felonies which make him nearly unemployable, and a continuing burden to his family. When he is in a ‘rut’, he comes to family for ‘help.’ I’m tired of it. The rest of the family are doormats and just continue supporting. I am 71, past retirement, and still working. Not working to support the likes of him. So my answer is NO.
I am also a victim here, but I won’t complain because it will never be resolved. I know now it is not my fault. I want to give my mom and family their needs but I can’t because my earnings are barely enough.
It is hard to have parents who can’t be strong. Parents who doesn’t have the skills to provide for their own or provide you. And it’s harder if they have become abusive because of what they think their needs are.
The best way we can be is be the best we can be and earn as long as our bodies permit and save because we are going to be old too someday. And don’t become like them when your children become better than you.
It is our lot in life to work for life if we are not given rich parents.
I have this problem with my adult son. He is married with 2 children and 2 stepchildren (one autistic) and they are always overdrawn or out of money or behind on their payments. My husband and I have bailed them out numerous times over the past 5 years since they married. When my son calls and asks for some money to buy groceries or to get through the week, I have caved in. My husband finally put a stop to it. But when he calls me, I can’t say no. I feel so bad for him and his situation/obligations. It has caused problems between my husband and me. Why do I continue to say yes? What is wrong with me???! He’ll call and ask if we would be able to help pay for my grandson’s kindergarten expenses (school supplies, paper towels, etc. all that kind of stuff that schools ask for now at the beginning of school) and I know if he had the money he wouldn’t be asking. I want my 5 year old grandson to start off kindergarten without problems so I want to pay. So how do I say no?
This time I scolded him and said we get very upset when they can’t take care of our grandchildren and we get upset that they always have the same money problems. Now I am estranged from my son and he feels we always make a blow up over money. The only response I got was that I didn’t have to send the money.
Help! How do I fix this?
@Sandy – Just say no. Seriously, until you say no and keep firm it won’t get better. If your son loves you he will stop asking. And if he won’t let up or tries to punish you for doing the wrong thing, to me that means that his love is conditional on you paying his way…and that isn’t love!
@Daughter-In-Pain – Good for you. I would like to add a clarification to your comment, it doesn’t matter if your parents are rich or poor. In fact, your success and happiness shouldn’t depend on anyone but yourself.
@Unwilling Provider – good for you. Stay strong! You only hurt him if you become a doormat.
@athene – that isn’t selfish, it is loving and smart. You only hurt them if you bail them out. God (and life) is trying to teach them life lessons. They can’t move on to the next level until they learn and grow and they can’t learn and grow if you do it for them and bail them out.
my mom owes me 1,168 Dollars now she wants more of my money what do I do
@Mandy – First, say no to loaning her more. Second, Assume that the $1,168 is gone and that you will never see it again. Consider it a gift.
Mr. Smith, I appreciate your insight on this subject so much. I grew up in a family business and my father would borrow and pay back his mother for loans during the downs of the business. I grew up in the ups and downs ..more downs than ups family business. I received a good work ethic from my childhood…also a general distrust and streetwise education. I went far away to college , scraped by, worked at min wage ($3/hr), and with little to no support from my family I graduated. FAST FORWARD 20+years and I have run businesses since the 90s with with mostly positive years. I’m a conservative entrepreneur. Careful and I know a lot of people need me to succeed to support their families. Those people work hard everyday for their money and deserve every penny. Now my father is retirement age, lost his money in an uninsured business hit by a hurricane. My grandma passed away and he rec’d 200k..thats gone now as well. Guess who he now comes to in this sick dependent pattern?.Me. I had to cease all communication with my mother already only partly due to this subject and since I am an only child I dont have much family. I have a wonderful, financially responsible husband and 2 daughters…one 5 years old and a senior in college we support fully. My father asks me for 1k to 3k at a time multiple times a year…year after year….about 15 years now. Someone else mentioned depression and sometimes I feel like that because at some point when I cut him off I’m sure I will feel abandoned completely by my parents. It is difficult to know the only reason your parents may love you is because u can give them money. Its all very sad that my parents cannot be proud of my success because they are so in need of money. I always thought the best part of me really had nothing to do with the money at all. Instead of seeing this as generous or a sacrifice for family..and being a daughter when they were and are poor parents…I believe at some level they see me as a sucker because I love them.
I have a dilemma. My husband and I have been married for 32 years. We are very comfortable financially and my family is well aware of it.
One of my brothers has had a string of health issues this year – partial toe amputation, diabetes, mouth cancer and mild diabetes. And he also has a hernia that needs to be taken care of. This has put him out of work for nearly a year and facing a stack of unpaid medical and living expenses.
He is a bachelor and has a home worth approximately 125,000. He has a mortgage of about 40,000 remaining. He is just now applying for disability but the process will take at the very least 6 months. In the meantime, he has no income. He has two vehicles which are uninsured and has no way to pay for food or basic needs.
He has approached us to basically give him $12,000 now and continue paying him $1000 a month once he begins receiving disability. His reasoning is that we could have his house and its equity upon his death – whenever that would be.
My husband is adamantly against financial aide of any kind and in any amount. He himself faced a near fatal illness in his life prior to meeting me and sold all his wordly possessions, bought an rv and truck and traveled around the country going from clinic to clinic. He asked for nothing. But he is an extraordinary person.
I feel for my brother and I would like to help, but I don’t want to supplement him for the rest of his life. I don’t think he has any idea what it will take over time to maintain the life he is currently living.
My husband believes he should sell his house and one of his vehicles. Pay his bills and take the equity that is left, find a rental apartment that he can afford and make the best of it.
Any input?
I can relate to a lot of these postings…I am suffering as well
Suffering from feeling guilty if I don’t help this friend who seems to be relying on me every month to bail her out. Something always comes up…her cat is sick, cat died, she’s going to lose her house, no money for food, now her mother passed away…She needs money to get her money because she is blocked?!! WTF?
I love her and I have given this person a lot of money and we have an agreement as she is to pay me back in January, but now another problem arises…her mom has passed…she needs help with the funeral…when is this going to end?
What can I say now? No to her, now that she needs help about her mom passing away? She says things to me that I don’t love her or I don’t want her…blah, blah…this is conditional love…If I don’t give or help her with money, I’m not a good person and she won’t be able to do this, or get her surgery, or be able to move to a new place….HELP! I NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS CRAZY VICIOUS CYCLE!
How do I say no to a person I love and want to help, but now she’s become dependent on me when she has a financial problem.
I am 68, my sister is 50, my mom is 88. My sister has “borrowed” money from my mom since, well forever, and she keeps on asking. My mother is almost broke, lives with another sister but says that if my sister needs it she will give her all of remaining money (at this point just her monthly income). Yesterday I asked mother what would happen if there was an emergency and she needed money, her reply was “I will get it from you”. I recently sold my house and made enough to buy another much smaller/older house for cash and have a little left over to add to my Social Security income, my mom tells everyone I am rich. She has had long gone money and she has also filed for bankruptcy three times, the last time three years ago and I blame my sister for it. My sister tells me to mind my own business, my other sister tells me there is nothing we can do and I am slowly going crazy. The “borrowing” sister has a super job but nobody knows where her money goes. I want to cut my mom, my sister and her daughter out of my life but how do I do that without alienating the rest of my family? Also my mom is 88, what if she dies soon? By the way my mom was and has been the worst mother to me always. Thank you for letting me vent.
@Onlychild – It is sad when our family treats us so poorly. We do have an obligation to our parents – they raised us – but a line needs to be drawn. I like to start by asking the question “am I helping or hurting?” If I bail them out will they learn the lesson life is teaching them? Am I putting my immediate family at risk? Is this an act of love or am I being abused?
It may be hard and you may have to cut contact with some of your family. That doesn’t change the best course of action.
@Trish – listen to your husband. Your brother has made multiple poor decisions that. That has put him – not you – in this position. If you bail him out he will never learn the lessons life is teaching him. And the support will never end.
@LynnTD – You are going to get my touchie feelie side. Tell her that your previous loans are gifts because you love her. You never expect to be paid back, but that you love her too much ever loan her money again. You value your relationship and that if you have to go through this again it will kill your friendship and you value her too much to allow that to happen. Stand firm. You may lose a friend, but ask yourself “would a true friend treat me this way?”
@Renata Scoggins – no problem with the venting. I would tell your mom that when she goes broke that she can live with your sister. You will not support her or let her live with you. If she continues to make bad money decisions she will have to pay the consequences. I’d also let it drop in casual conversation all the money you lost in bad investments. Oops…you are almost broke! Nothing here for them to steal…
just 2yrs ago, my parents passed away and this coming Aug is my only brother’s 1st death anniv. in short, im alone.im married for 5 months now and 7-month preggy for d 1st time.finally, im hired as permanent teacher.my husband’s family and relatives are so close and belong to a low class, financially struggled and most of them dont hav work.im so pressured bec they always ask me money for their needs,knowing that they just my inlaws..am i obliged? i just wsh all d money i give to them were spend for my parents and brother. esp now that im hired, i expect they will do more the same.i want to refuse from now on bec im just starting.pls advise me 🙁
Hello all – help help help that’s all I can say…some advice would be appreciated. Long story short – 41 years old living at home with parents (long story) but the truth is a few years ago after living out on my own for a few years I moved back home because the place I was living was going to charge a lot more rent. I have stayed at home a little longer than I anticipated because I was nervous about the stability of my job. Anyway – my job(s) are stable and I am still here. I need advice. My parents keep asking me for money – my mom has a gambling problem. (loses often and clears out the checking account) – my dad works but they blame being broke on the economy and my dad not getting enough work (self employed) Mom doesn’t work. I am an ONLY child. I’ve taken money out of my 401k when they were involved with family legal problems with my dad’s sister. I took another loan out for them (10k) a few years later to help them due to the “economy” it’s all gone – never paid me back. I am charged 200 dollars for rent every 2 weeks. I have given and given to them – now they want me to get a credit card because my credit is now good – and theirs is not – hence they can’t get a loan or credit card themselves. Tonight it exploded because I finally stopped being a pushover and said no I can’t give anymore (and I can’t) and I am not getting a credit card in my name with a high limit like my mom asked me to do. NO. I have had friends tell me NO. I always give in because my mom gives me the guilt trips – we both have health issues… we won’t be around forever… we want to stay in this house so they don’t drag us out of here.. we need to fix up the house.. etc. I am at my wits end. I am going to move out ASAP and get an apartment with my friends. I am so done and it’s too bad because I thought they loved me. I get the “well your father fixes your car, we do this and that for you all these years.. etc.”
constantly. Any advice would be appreciated. Am I doing the right thing by saying NO this time? to a line of credit? Now they are both pissed at me – and I think it’s time to get out. Please help. It’s so hard for me because they are my parents and I am the only child.
-Mr. Sad
I was working for about 6 years before i met my husband, we have been married for about 2 and a half years now. I earn about 4 times what he earns and my mother in law kind of assume i should cater for all her needs even his sisters(all married) make demands of money at will and ask me not to tell my husband each time. I had to complain to my husband about the way his family members demands for money, but he responsed that;he does not see anything wrong with his mother asking me for anything she likes,but he is not in support of any of his sisters asking me for money. In the end of the discussion My husband got so upset with me for daring to look down on his people,We had a big quarrel at the end of the day(which i am sure he told his mother everything).All this did not stop the mother from asking me to send money for her to start a business(a year later) which i turned down saying i was saving to invest in a business having stayed 6 months out of job due to having my baby, so i had no money to spare at the moment . Two months later one of his sister called to say my mother in law(her mother) was very angry with me for sending some money(very little amount) to my father in law and not her(that they suspect i am angry with my mother in law)she advised that i should call her(my mother in law) and promise to package some things for her for Christmas (which was in a week’s time i.e last year),i had to tell my husband’s sister that i can not make such promise and that i have a just changed my job(2 months ago) and saving money for a business of my own and how come am i expected to send money to my inlaws while my husband sends nothing to my parent?(even though my parents never ask anything instead they send money even foodstuffs to us especially when i stayed jobless for 6months).I sent a lenghty message to my mother in law telling her i can not give her money and she should be happy i sent some money to her husband not complain about it.To cut the story short, i noticed the countenance of my husband changed when he returned from work that day,so i decided to bar all their numbers to my mobile line and told my husband i will not entertain anybody bothering me again because i do not owe anybody anything going forward neither will i condone outsider affecting our moods in this marriage.It is a shamed that he has been brained washed into thinking that the fact that i earn more means i should shoulder my in law’s burden. Up till today their numbers remained barred and i have my peace now and have suceeded to shed off the unnecessary stress. I dont care what they are planning or saying behind me.
My dad is loaded but he won’t help me financially I feel like he owes me, so any advice on how do I get it I figured I could take him to court or tell my mommy he is cheating you know divide and conquer cause she will believe me and take him to court divorce and all the I can get the loot from my mother and if she refuses the I’ll have a strategy handling her just as well advice anyone
Before my husband and I had really announced we were “together” I saw him get used by his mother and sister. He had his own place and the two of them ended up staying with him “until they got on their feet again, for only a few weeks”. When I met him, it had been seven years they over-stayed their welcome. They had not paid him a dime of rent or their share of the utilities. They even cried about buying toilet paper one time when we were away for a weekend. A $0.79 roll of toilet paper!
The sister became pregnant and my husband told them they had to go, there was no room for a baby considering they (mom and sis) were sharing a bed in a tiny room. So, they get this bright idea (mind you, we weren’t “official” so I couldn’t say anything) that because they had no money and bad credit (yup, didn’t save a dime and ran up credit during those seven years) that my husband could buy a house and they pay all the bills like they were renting from him. They hacked up this grand plan and widened my husband’s eyes. If he put up his current and brand new truck as collateral, it’d be like he had no payment at all because it would all be on the new homes mortgage.
2 1/2 years later. I had our child and see another family member of my husbands in the store three days after giving birth. They tell me how sorry they were about us losing our home (s), they saw it in the paper…we lost it all. Two homes and a beautiful truck. Because of it being on our credit we couldn’t even rent an apartment! I turned to my family and my mom said she had actually been considering buying a home she had always wanted but it was going to be too big for just her. We ended up moving in with my mom (we have an agreement of payment for our share of everything) in the new house. A positive out of a negative situation.
So now that the homes had been foreclosed and truck repossessed, his mom and sister have no empathy whatsoever about what they did. They don’t think they did anything wrong?! They don’t understand why I can’t stand to look at them even eight years later. But, because “they did nothing wrong”, means that they want more, and more, and more. And when I say NO, it’s “you need to divorce her!” We had gone on vacation to visit my husband’s father and the whole time we were there the first time his sister called begging for my husband to “foot her the money, it was no fair our child got to go see their dad and not hers and it was no fair our child was going to see Disney before hers”. Mind you, she had just got back from a girls weekend in Mexico, a kid less trip at that. So the year after when we went, guess who showed up? And guess who’s bank account was short the same amount her “only x amount” plane ticket cost that “SHE” got a “good deal” on? By the third trip she was dating some rich guy. Was told that he was going to pay my husband back when he arrived. Come to find out after the trip, he had given her the money all along and she “forgot” to give it to us. (We go on vacation because I told my husband what’s it going to do at this point and there’s no reason OUR children should suffer consequences of others, and yes we find deals, plan, and put x amount aside once our bills are paid. We do not go out to eat, get new clothes, or drive new cars like his sister does) this happened three times! Because the guilt trip was played that her kid suffered to my husband.
His mother came up with an idea that she was going to start a charity in my child’s name, my child has no reason to have a charity. In order to do this she wanted my child’s social security number. I said NO! She called my husband and said I said okay and he gave it to her…oh yeah, dealing with the credit bureaus to protect my child’s identity has not been a cake walk.
My husband became very ill to the point he almost passed. While laying in the hospital, fighting for his life, they were more concerned with how much his life insurance policy was and who was on it.
They don’t quit. They’re conniving and when I say something, I’m the bad guy. They advise my husband to divorce me.
Oh and they’re so good at acting that people can’t believe I don’t care for them…I’ve refused to work because they snoop online about salaries and I know if I do, they really won’t stop.
I’ve had it to a point of thinking I should divorce but it’d only give into their satisfaction. And I feel bad that my husband would have no where to go, they won’t even give him a piece of couch to sleep on… (I’ve kicked my husband out before and when he asked to stay at they’re apt they said no the landlord would get mad but that same weekend had some guy sleep there)…I have my children to protect and they above them especially, come first!!
If people are struggling and need some money, have some compassion and let them borrow some money. Especially if it is your relatives. If they are spending it on rubbish, then you don’t have to lend it
@carmz — Why are you obligated to pay for your entire family. I could see it if they supported you while you were going to school, getting started, etc….Most of the time that isn’t the case, they just assume that since you are doing ok, you owe them money. What I do is say I just don’t have any free cash to loan. Sorry, nothing there. Just keep repeating the story.
@CHRIS – Move out now. Don’t ever get them a credit card. You are only hurting them by propping them up. Your mom needs to hit bottom and deal with her gambling problem, and as long as you keep bailing her out she will never learn. Ignore the guilt trip and keep saying “I’m broke and have noting to give.”
@Shable — Just say no. No. No. No. If your husband loves you he will listen and support you.
@trmp – Your dad owes you nothing. He earned it not you. I can’t believe you are willing to destroy your parents marriage for your own selfish gain. Grow up.
@My kids come 1st – Why do you deal with these people? It sounds harsh but relationships need to be a two way street, and if they aren’t you need to cut them out of your life.
@MA – Bullshit. Life is about learning and growing. Struggle and pain are put in place to help us learn, grow, and move ahead. If you bail people out they never learn, they never stop the destructive behavior. You are dooming them to a crappy life. As for relatives, why does a genetic link create obligation? If you love them, you need to let them fall down and learn from their skinned up knees.
Thank you!!! My husband and his parents are well off, 1%. My parents have both worked their whole lives and are left with small retirement due to 2008 situation. They are resourceful and have great attitudes but their quality of life is starting to suffer. We have been married for 22 years and I have given my parents a small amount of money over the years. They have small SS and access all resources available to them. Over the last years we have given them 1,000. A month and I secretly supplement small amounts from my monthly allowance. My parents are independent in many ways and ask for nothing, are appreciative and kind to my husband and family. My mother is a wonderful mother/grandmother and MIL but my husband does not want to help take the increasing pressure off them??? I feel like it is not my money and I have no rights to help them and it could cause divorce. It is symbolic of my value in the relationship when I cannot choose to take the burden from my parents as they age. we live a luxurious life, houses, vacations, horses etc. my husband does not get it??? please any feedback would be helpful.
7. Always a gift never a loan = It was a gift, now is drawing up papers to ask for it back.
Hello,
My story is different: the in law offered us money, even though we never asked for any £.
My mother in law offered £15k towards our property deposit for over 5 years (never mentioned it would be a loan), and two years ago+ added £5k (after she helped her other son with his property, she wanted to give the us same amount). Whist having our chats about deposit money, she did mentioned £15k is a gift and that she may want £5k back in the future, but also said that, and I quote “I prefer to die before I ask for any money back from you”.
In November 2015, my husband and I decided to buy our flat. My mother in law gave us £20k towards our flat deposit (the money were transferred into my husband bank account).
The problem started a month after she gave us the £20k, right after we moved into the new flat. She started an email thread in which she included other family members in which she is asking me to sign a Document: “it will say that you relinquish any claim on the sum of the deposit that came from J**’s family and in the event of any early demise or separation, the sum returns to the family estate”.
I sent her a reply, and then called to confront it and say that I will not sign ANY of these documents. Her excuse was that her situation changed and she is not asking for the money back straight-away, but wants to ensure that IF she ever was to need the money, this Document would ensure her to take it from us. I recorded a call in which she is confirming what she said in past (£5k possible loan/ only if she would need it in her old age/no time limit + £15k gift).
At the moment: She is asking her son back home in order to sign a Document in which he is agreeing that the £20k was a loan. My husband prefers not to sign any Documents, BUT doesn’t want to upset her (she was suicidal in the past, and therefore agrees with signing it to keep her happy).
Why I don’t agree with it, even though I understand it was her money and out of respect I should agree to it… BUT: me and my husband looked into property since we got married 5 years ago and we always took her advice when coming to buying a house: In the past, properties were much cheaper, but because of her interference we did not purchase anything then (a modern 3 bed I was looking into that would’ve cost us £100k, she said that Council tax would be too expensive etc)… I understand now that it was our mistake in allowing her into our decisions, but because she was gonna help us and part of the deposit money was coming from her… In the end, we ended up paying alot more for 2 bedroom flat: it cost us £121k.
Another point, aside paying £21k extra for a smaller flat, the deposit we payed was well over the 10% requested by the bank: We were ‘advised’ by her to pay in all our money toward the deposit – leaving us with just a grand in the bank :/. We payed a total of £39k deposit.
I would not have accepted her money if I knew she wanted it back!
My question is: What can I do to bring her back to the previous /before purchasing the flat ‘deal’?
Any Suggestions?
Thank you.
Long story short my mother has always struggled to financially. Growing up I had to help her by babysitting. My father is in and out of her life. Now I’m a stay-at-home mom of twins, only my husband works. My husband has helped my mother whenever she has needed. Yet my mother has been unemployed for over a year. Due to that she moved in with us her and my four brothers. My husband said that he would help her with the condition that she was not to bring my father over to our house. Which she totally ignored, and would go spend money we.would.give her with him. My husband got mad and decided to help her get her own place. She said she didn’t want the apartment she wanted a lone and she was going to move in with my father. At the end they ended up wasting the money and she had to stay at a cousin (note with out my father) and now two months later she needs money to pay her rent. I asked my husband and we got into a huge argument. He said he will not help her in anyway any more. My mom said this was the last time. So I don’t know what to do.
Strongly disagree!! If you can afford its your responsibility to look after your family and get them out of any burden. Its here selfishness to have cash loaded in your bank account and not helping people around you. Feeling sorry for how mean this word has become.
@hina – no one is obligated to support their family. It doesn’t matter how much you have in your bank account. And to be honest, by your comment I’m guessing your bank balance is probably near zero.
@Annie – Just say no. It is never the last time, she will keep coming to you until she drains you.
@G – Your mother in law’s response doesn’t negate rule 7. Always make it a gift. As for your situation, return the money, wait to buy a flat, and do it 100% on your own.
@Catherine – If you want to help and you can afford it, give it as a gift. The problem is when you have family members who ask you for money/support. It is a never ending series of requests.
Thank you Mr Smith for this post. I just had a fight wigh my parents. I was a bright student back in college. I have sacrificed my studies to work because my dad lost his job. And back then when we were rich, they never really saved or thought of retirement plans or anything like that. To top it off, my dad is very egoistic. I was encouraging him to find a new job, to help him get back on track. But he doesn’t want to. He wants to continue to be a CEO he said he doesn’t like to be an employee anymore. So to make it short all his responsibilities he passed onto me. My mom is a housewife who is a narcicistic. Since I was young she always tells me when I grew up I should give them money. Even if I get married it is still my obligation to give them money. Not that I don’t want to. But I see how they spend money. Obviously they never planned any retirement thing. I am their retirement plan. She never appreciates me. She always says we fed you, sent you to school. You should give it back. For 7 years I worked hard. Put them first. It’s only now that I am starting to live a comfortable life. And it is only now that I am starting to think of myself. I have many realizations and one of which is I don’t want to be like them. So I wanted to invest on mutual funds. Also I started to live alone I got my own place. My mom is pressuring me again calling me everyday following up about money. She also sets how much she wants to receive. I kept on telling them maybe we need to invest it somewhere so they have something of their own and they dont have to keep on relying on me. I want them to understand they can’t rely on me forever. My dad got mad he said I have a decent job and pay so it is my obligation to both of them. It is my fault cos I chose to live alone and now I am suffering. Had I stayed with mom their lives would’ve been more comfortable because I could give them more. This has hurt me so bad. I always feel I am not enough. As if I am a very bad daughter. This has affected all my relationships since then – low self-esteem, needy, clingy. And they even reprimand me for it. Not realizing he contributing factor. I replied back to my dad, telling him what he said hurts because it’s as if I have never helped or looked out for them. I did, for a long time. I don’t think it’s bad that this time I love and think of myself. I don’t know how to move forward now but I certainly hope they realize something. I am their daughter. I am not an ATM. They should be happy for me and not put me down. Furthermore my life shouldn’t revolve around them. You raise your child because you love them, and not because you want them to finance you when they get a job. I am pretty sure they would go around and tell our relatives about this and would make me look like the bad, ungrateful, selfish daughter they always had. I am so tired.